A Work in Progress

This video was incredibly enlightening... Transform your thoughts, and be in touch with your own emotions. I love her perspective and I am truly intrigued by it. I've always known that happiness is not in material things and honestly feel that people who believe they are will recieve a very VERY rude awakening when they achieve all those material goals and still find themselves unfulfilled. Happiness is within yourself. So cliche, but so true. I have realized that I have been doing alot of self pitying. Which is disgusting. I feel bad , frustrated, and have been wollowing in those feelings. By doing that, it makes it seems as though they will never end. and that this state, will last.. forever. However this isn't true. I can still be happy. and even though I might not be exactly where I want to be right now, I'm getting there. and maybe where I want to be won't  happen. But something will. and i will still be happy. 


I have realized that in this period of time I have learned more about myself than in any other time of my life. I am funny, charismatic, lazy, loud sometimes. I like to perform and be the center of attention. I enjoy laughing. I anger easily and get frustrated easily. I am impatient. I love to love. I love to be held and touched and be esteemed by those that I esteem as well. I like to be happy. I am nostalgic.

I have realized though that when I listen to my heart and my soul, I can clearly distinguish each emotion as it swells and becomes a part of my reaction. I still have so much growing and introspection to do. But I feel satisfied in saying that I've atleast come to a  point where I realize that I can recognize my emotions for what they are. and to say that I am getting to know myself. This person that I am. 22 years old and I had never given my own soul a chance to whisper its desires back to me. The more you listen, the louder the whisper will become. Until that voice is powerful enough to be heard at all times. Because its you. to the core. Me. Samara. I love it, I couldn't wish to be anyone else in the world.

 With all my flaws. all my imperfections. I'm still me. And whose to even say that my imperfections are imperfections. Or that you're flaws are flaws. The world? our society? your father? mother? No one but yourself will scream it out. Anger feels bad. Jealousy feels bad. No one in this world has to say it. You feel it. within yourself. If our own minds and emotions can let us know what makes us feel bad, good, or neutral. Why should we not also believe that our own minds and souls can lead us to bliss and happiness. We attach that feeling to everything in the outside world but never take a look at ourselves. That is our biggest downfall.

When I get that job, I will be happy. When me and my boyfriend get married, we will be happy. I will be happy once I get this degree, that car, this house. All of these things that can come and go as fast as they desire. You could lose it all, or become something completely different then what you envisioned. The key is not to base happiness on the acquisition of these things, but to somehow accept the change for what it is and just take it.

I'm still working on this.
I really like her description on alcohol and its intake. If we attach that need to it, then alcohol becomes a problem. But if we just let alcohol be alcohol and still find happiness in that scenario without it, then there is no harm done. It's that insatiable need of ours to connect things with happiness, I need a drink or I can't enjoy this bar. I need a drink to loosen up. Once I'm drunk i'll be more fun. I am SO guilty of this.  Somehow thinking that by drinking a "better" me will emerge, someone who is an upgrade to the sober me. Therefore making me dependent on that drink when I want to be extra live.

..I'm going to stop drinking as much. Because I dont like myself when I drink excessively, and I dont like the decisions I make. Because It's not me nor who I want to be.

Midnight Dinners and Unfulfilled Potential

Ahhh Hemm... A comment on the video. I LOVE Death Cab for Cutie. Just discovered this song today. MAGIC :)

          I had an interesting dinner last night with one of my coworkers. He seems to always know what to say to me, even when I don’t realize it myself. Example:

                        Samara: I just want everything now, I want to go to New York and start a new life, I know its what I want to do

                        Bradley: Samara, just slow down. Take your time, you have the chance to make this perfect, make a fool proof plan so there is no way that you fail when going out there.

Lesson #1 : I am severely impatient. I’ve diagnosed myself.

Symptoms:

1.anxiety and not getting things done at the time I want them to.

2. Irritated that things don’t go my way when I say they should.

3. Severe anxiety at the thought of having to wait any longer than I have to.

 Cure: none.

Back to the Conversation---

            Samara: I’ve been writing… here are some of my writings I had to tear out of the notebook from work.. don’t make fun of me

            Bradley: (reads over) This is good. You should consider taking this up as a career. And who cares what anyone thinks. This is your life, live it for you. It doesn’t matter how much talent and potential you might have, if you don’t have the confidence to know that you are good, then no one else will believe it either.

            Samara: (quiet, lost in thought) yeah… I guess. You are right.

Lesson #2: I don’t have enough confidence in my abilities. Diagnosed by Bradley

            Symptoms:

1.      I ‘ve been avoiding writing publicly because I am afraid that people will laugh or think that what I’m doing is ridiculous.

2.      Being in classes, I’ve realized that there are other people that are WAY WAY better than me, how am I supposed to compete with other writers that obviously have a considerable advantage

3.      I don’t know why, but I just feel that if I try to put myself completely out there, for the world to see…. I’m afraid that it’ll fail. I am SEVERLY scared of failing.

Cure: ??? I think there is a cure, I have yet to find it. But I do feel that the cure for this is much closer than I realize.

There is one considerable flaw that was never mentioned in the conversation but that has lately been eating away at my brain relentlessly. My own laziness. If anyone knows me, they would know that I am extremely LAZY. Take a look at my closet. It speaks for itself. I sink into my bed and mold into it. For hours.

            Now that I’ve graduated from college, I don’t know what to do with myself. Lost. Aimless. Purposeless. People say that I’m lucky for having a degree so young. Which is most likely true. But I have yet to see fruit of my 4 years of work. Work that honestly I wish I still had, I enjoyed it immensely.

            Here are the series of comments I’ve been hearing when I express my anxiety of joining the millions looking for work in this shitty economy.

            “ Don’t worry, you’ll be something great some day, just take your time”

            “ You just graduated  2 months ago, stop rushing”

            “ Something will come up soon, your lucky that you’ve atleast graduated”

Translation: BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

You’re not telling me anything new.

You’re not making me feel any better.

 I still don’t have a job.

 I still am not doing anything that I enjoy with my life.

I am unfulfilled and your “helpful” promises don’t do anything but reaffirm the fact that I’m still working at Shitty Bank listening to other frustrated people vent to me about our horrible economy, about the bail out, about the unemployment rate, and about how banks are crooks and have managed to steal taxpayer money.

            Yes banks are crooks, yes our congress is filled with corrupt politicians looking out for their own interest, yes the economy has gone to hell and who knows when it will get any better. But guess what??? I AM in the same BOAT AS YOU.

            Of course I don’t actually say these things to them.  It goes more along the lines of “ yes sir, I completely understand. I’m sorry sir, I know this is frustrating”.

Translation to them : BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH

            We are so programmed to answer with generic sympathy to other people’s problems  that we are afraid to BE REAL. Just say what we feel. We have all these little hallmark responses to real life problems that only make people feel alienated and isolated when in reality their problems are EXTREMELY similar to everyone elses. To YOURS.

            Disease: our society’s PLASTIC generic view on life. The SUPERFICIALNESS of our conversations, and responses to life.

            Cure: realizing that we need to stop saying what’s “appropriate” what we’ve been “programmed” to say, what is politically correct. Let’s say FUCK it all. And start over.

Rainy Mondays

Today the storm was brewing... on the road.. and outside my window. It makes me want to stay home and never leave.

It's still pouring...and it feels so good. Rain washes away the past. and makes me think about how comforting it is to just lay here. My biggest flaw = LAZINESS. I need a post dedicated to that little demon that hooks on to my brain incapacitating me from doing ANYTHING.

 The rain makes it feel okay though.

The Beginning

… I miss writing. I miss feeling passionate. I miss my creativity. I miss deadlines. I miss writing papers. I miss the pressure. I miss the sense of accomplishment.  I miss the anticipation. The reward. I miss learning.

I miss you. Your kisses. I miss your touch. I miss your unconditional acceptance. I miss your passion.

                        It’s the passion. The fire. That we yearn for. That I yearn for.  Set me free, to fly with the wind, breathe the sweet air mixed with the scent of anticipation for what’s to come.

I NEED to create. I NEED to express. I NEED to BE.

The emotions build and swirl, climax so powerfully that they emerge in the form of tears, an explosion of light. Bright beyond belief.

I’ve been wanting to express all these emotions but have been pushing them down, repressing them because life itself does not allow one to completely explore the depths of one’s soul. Every crevice, every corner can move alive if you let it. But you have to let it.

            There might be a fear, such a strong fear of not knowing exactly what it is that your hiding from yourself.  Do YOU honestly know every corner of your soul? Of your every emotion? Can it even be predicted.

Stimulation of the soul, the mind, the body. Come ALIVE. And forget the rules. Just forget it all.

                        Numb is how I’ve been feeling. Without the intensity of self expression, there is NOTHING. But WASTED days, minutes, seconds that blow away into the vortex of time. Lost potential, and forgotten dreams.