Midnight Dinners and Unfulfilled Potential

Ahhh Hemm... A comment on the video. I LOVE Death Cab for Cutie. Just discovered this song today. MAGIC :)

          I had an interesting dinner last night with one of my coworkers. He seems to always know what to say to me, even when I don’t realize it myself. Example:

                        Samara: I just want everything now, I want to go to New York and start a new life, I know its what I want to do

                        Bradley: Samara, just slow down. Take your time, you have the chance to make this perfect, make a fool proof plan so there is no way that you fail when going out there.

Lesson #1 : I am severely impatient. I’ve diagnosed myself.

Symptoms:

1.anxiety and not getting things done at the time I want them to.

2. Irritated that things don’t go my way when I say they should.

3. Severe anxiety at the thought of having to wait any longer than I have to.

 Cure: none.

Back to the Conversation---

            Samara: I’ve been writing… here are some of my writings I had to tear out of the notebook from work.. don’t make fun of me

            Bradley: (reads over) This is good. You should consider taking this up as a career. And who cares what anyone thinks. This is your life, live it for you. It doesn’t matter how much talent and potential you might have, if you don’t have the confidence to know that you are good, then no one else will believe it either.

            Samara: (quiet, lost in thought) yeah… I guess. You are right.

Lesson #2: I don’t have enough confidence in my abilities. Diagnosed by Bradley

            Symptoms:

1.      I ‘ve been avoiding writing publicly because I am afraid that people will laugh or think that what I’m doing is ridiculous.

2.      Being in classes, I’ve realized that there are other people that are WAY WAY better than me, how am I supposed to compete with other writers that obviously have a considerable advantage

3.      I don’t know why, but I just feel that if I try to put myself completely out there, for the world to see…. I’m afraid that it’ll fail. I am SEVERLY scared of failing.

Cure: ??? I think there is a cure, I have yet to find it. But I do feel that the cure for this is much closer than I realize.

There is one considerable flaw that was never mentioned in the conversation but that has lately been eating away at my brain relentlessly. My own laziness. If anyone knows me, they would know that I am extremely LAZY. Take a look at my closet. It speaks for itself. I sink into my bed and mold into it. For hours.

            Now that I’ve graduated from college, I don’t know what to do with myself. Lost. Aimless. Purposeless. People say that I’m lucky for having a degree so young. Which is most likely true. But I have yet to see fruit of my 4 years of work. Work that honestly I wish I still had, I enjoyed it immensely.

            Here are the series of comments I’ve been hearing when I express my anxiety of joining the millions looking for work in this shitty economy.

            “ Don’t worry, you’ll be something great some day, just take your time”

            “ You just graduated  2 months ago, stop rushing”

            “ Something will come up soon, your lucky that you’ve atleast graduated”

Translation: BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

You’re not telling me anything new.

You’re not making me feel any better.

 I still don’t have a job.

 I still am not doing anything that I enjoy with my life.

I am unfulfilled and your “helpful” promises don’t do anything but reaffirm the fact that I’m still working at Shitty Bank listening to other frustrated people vent to me about our horrible economy, about the bail out, about the unemployment rate, and about how banks are crooks and have managed to steal taxpayer money.

            Yes banks are crooks, yes our congress is filled with corrupt politicians looking out for their own interest, yes the economy has gone to hell and who knows when it will get any better. But guess what??? I AM in the same BOAT AS YOU.

            Of course I don’t actually say these things to them.  It goes more along the lines of “ yes sir, I completely understand. I’m sorry sir, I know this is frustrating”.

Translation to them : BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH

            We are so programmed to answer with generic sympathy to other people’s problems  that we are afraid to BE REAL. Just say what we feel. We have all these little hallmark responses to real life problems that only make people feel alienated and isolated when in reality their problems are EXTREMELY similar to everyone elses. To YOURS.

            Disease: our society’s PLASTIC generic view on life. The SUPERFICIALNESS of our conversations, and responses to life.

            Cure: realizing that we need to stop saying what’s “appropriate” what we’ve been “programmed” to say, what is politically correct. Let’s say FUCK it all. And start over.

Rainy Mondays

Today the storm was brewing... on the road.. and outside my window. It makes me want to stay home and never leave.

It's still pouring...and it feels so good. Rain washes away the past. and makes me think about how comforting it is to just lay here. My biggest flaw = LAZINESS. I need a post dedicated to that little demon that hooks on to my brain incapacitating me from doing ANYTHING.

 The rain makes it feel okay though.

The Beginning

… I miss writing. I miss feeling passionate. I miss my creativity. I miss deadlines. I miss writing papers. I miss the pressure. I miss the sense of accomplishment.  I miss the anticipation. The reward. I miss learning.

I miss you. Your kisses. I miss your touch. I miss your unconditional acceptance. I miss your passion.

                        It’s the passion. The fire. That we yearn for. That I yearn for.  Set me free, to fly with the wind, breathe the sweet air mixed with the scent of anticipation for what’s to come.

I NEED to create. I NEED to express. I NEED to BE.

The emotions build and swirl, climax so powerfully that they emerge in the form of tears, an explosion of light. Bright beyond belief.

I’ve been wanting to express all these emotions but have been pushing them down, repressing them because life itself does not allow one to completely explore the depths of one’s soul. Every crevice, every corner can move alive if you let it. But you have to let it.

            There might be a fear, such a strong fear of not knowing exactly what it is that your hiding from yourself.  Do YOU honestly know every corner of your soul? Of your every emotion? Can it even be predicted.

Stimulation of the soul, the mind, the body. Come ALIVE. And forget the rules. Just forget it all.

                        Numb is how I’ve been feeling. Without the intensity of self expression, there is NOTHING. But WASTED days, minutes, seconds that blow away into the vortex of time. Lost potential, and forgotten dreams.